The ongoing theme in my life has been to run.
I’ve been chasing peace of mind and the “right” to matter for what seems like an eternity. First with my parents, then in the various places I was sent to live, later in unhealthy relationships and food. Certain it must be around the next corner, in that friendship, that relationship, that job/home/province/country.
I got educated, I travelled, I made something of myself. I ran a marathon, I taught in Africa! Still it was never enough. I kept going, kept running; away from myself and the inherent brokenness I was sure defined me. Depression wrapped her arms around my increasingly willing spirit. When she couldn’t take me down, I met Anxiety. Terror inducing, debilitating, life shattering; Anxiety. I could no longer deny what was going on inside me.
It was then that I made the choice to get real. Really real. To look directly into the face of all that haunted me. To acknowledge the searing pain and to stop stuffing away all of the hurt. To feel. After a year off of work and intense therapy I began to rebuild my life. Enter yoga.
At first it was a way to add to a running routine that had aided in easing the grip of anxiety. Then it was to connect with an old friend (Careen). It was fun. It felt good! I took three sessions of Intro to Yoga 1 and two sessions of Intro to Yoga 2 with my old friend. She taught me to be playful on the mat, to accept myself where I am; a work in progress.
A few years later, when I found myself free (not by choice) from another unhealthy relationship, without a job or a place to live and anxiety came knocking, I went straight back to the mat (and therapy). It was the mindfulness of yoga that helped me find that calm, that connection to myself. To the part of me that says” you’ve got this”.
This time as I picked up the pieces (yet again) of what appeared to be a broken life, I no longer wanted to scramble to put them back together, but rather examine each piece carefully, questioning why it was I had chosen it as part of my life. As I start again, for what seems like the umpteenth time, I feel different. I feel grounded. I feel connected. I feel certain this is where I need to be.
Yoga brings me back to myself. It allows me to stay. I can be in what Eckhart Tolle calls the “now”. I can feel. I find solace in downward dog and tears flow freely when they need to. I get it! Being on the mat feels like the beginnings of a foundation for my home. One that can’t be ripped away. A place where I belong, just as I am. I feel safe. And powerful. And certain.
I let go.
Thanks to a kick- ass therapist, yoga, meditation and an incredible amount of ongoing soul/personal work, I am standing in my own truth, peacefully, confident that I will continue to find my way through the sometimes dark moonless hallways of life.
I want to lead others into their truth. To guide, support and connect as my teachers (Careen, Cat Horne, Raven Pearl) have done for me. My heart is opening, my flashlight is bright; I am ready for this next phase of my life.