I always want to be done; on to the next thing. Lesson learned, now I’m healed, phew! I can now live my life like the imagined “others” who have themselves and the world all figured out, how easy life must be for them!
I can hear you chuckling. Or, if you are like me, maybe you are nodding your head in agreement, or most likely in recognition of having felt this way yourself.
Apparently there are a lot of lessons to be learned. Once you open yourself up to acknowledging the things that are not working and are willing to put in the necessary time to get yourself on point, those squirrely little lessons come barging right in!
As a passionate person I tend to fly off into La La Land with my wondrous ideas, planning, dreaming, and forgetting about reality. I love hard and I hang on tight to things I want, often forgetting, or not seeing that perhaps they are not things that are good for me or appropriate at the time. I am an ALL OR NOTHING kind of woman. I live with finalities, all good, all bad, no in between. It can be so frustrating at times. If something seems too hard for me (a relationship, job, a situation, running) I want to quit. Be done with it; out of my life! But then I remember that the good things in life are worth working for. Or it is that they come in small packages? Hmmm… I think perhaps both are true. I agree to things too quickly, work and twist myself to make the situation fit, only to be disappointed in myself when I realize it is not a good idea. Then when I someone else is not happy with me, or my decisions, I twist and contort again to make it better for them. Right away without even thinking! Then I am mad at myself later and in more of a pickle! I HAVE TO STOP DOING THIS.
I don’t know how to negotiate for what I want/need. It is very hard for me to express to someone that I am not happy with something they are doing/saying, so instead, I often go along with things and don’t mention anything until I am unhappy and overreact. Or, I wait until the last minute to admit that something is not working for me and then the other person is so angry/hurt/frustrated at my indecision. I can’t stand having people upset with me! I know it is part of being human, but it is sooooooooooooo icky (not a very womanly word, but that is how I feel).
I guess it comes back to the ol’ “you’re not worthy” tape I thought I had stopped playing in my head. “You are not worthy of putting your needs first”, and a whole slew of other negative phrases I’ve slogged away at replacing. I guess I’m still a work in progress. There. I said it.
One of the reasons for writing is to help process and express myself. My mind is less of a jumble right now and my heart is hurting a little less, although right now it seems impossible to put myself first when it will hurt others feelings.
And by the way people don’t like it when you change your mind, or when you do what is best for you. I don’t like it either, but I know in my heart I have to do what is best for me. Please dear Universe let me learn how to live a happy and productive life, free from guilt of hurting other people’s feelings and being free to feel and express mine.
How do you handle difficult situations? Are you able to ask for what you need? Teach me how!! 🙂 Please share 🙂