This is my third attempt at trying to write this (the other
erased when I hit a wrong key) I am mad and feeling terribly sorry for myself!
Ahhhhhh. It’s out. I feel like saying it again, I am mad!
Why you ask? No good reason really, just the fact that I am home alone AGAIN ,
no one in the vicinity to call to come over. God, I am sick of this life. Not
life in general, just the one I seem to recreate over and over for myself. How
do I get so off track? No matter what choices I make, they seem to be the wrong
ones. Yes, I have a job, but my bills are about $400 more than I make. Hurray
for me. See? I told you I was feeling sorry for myself. My job is exhausting,
so I can’t imagine getting another one to make ends meet. I don’t know what I
am supposed to do to be content.
What’s that you say? Hmmm, yes, I know be thankful for what
you have, it could be worse, sure it could. But do we always have to be
satisfied by measuring our challenges by those who have bigger ones? Can’t I
just be entitled to be upset and ungrateful for what feels like slaving away,
doing my best and still not being able to pay my bills? And, to top that off,
be alone too? Sheesh.
I can hear those of you more evolved than me tssk tssking at my melodrama. That’s ok. But I’m
tired. Tired of doing everything on my own, trying to make good choices for
myself that never seem to fit. I’m tired of feeling left out and disconnected
from life. Tired of working at the only thing I think I am good at for pennies.
Tired of wondering what is wrong with me and what on Earth am I doing wrong?
Something’s got to give.
Maybe for right now it will just be tears.