Is this what you want for your life?
What do you want for your life?
I used to think it was such a great question. How Dali Lama of us to ponder our existence and choose our own paths. Well, not anymore! No matter how you phrase it, it is still a trick question. How the heck do I know what I want for my life? Oh, it sounds nice when you read it in a magazine and all the happy people in the photographs are experiencing the life they want. But when you sit right down and have a chat with yourself (as I have done several times lately), the question provokes more calamity than serenity.
I want to be happy. Too vague? I want to take an annual or bi-annual (is that a word?) vacation. I want to live in a peaceful place with my scooby doo. Some time in this century I would like to have a boyfriend/partner/husband. Sounds reasonable right? I’ve had the vacations, but the other two things continuously elude me. If I want them, shouldn’t I have them?
I want to follow my heart at all costs, do what I love, spend my days with the sunshine on my face and enjoying the splendid company of my wonderous friends. Ha! You see? A trick. You cannot follow your heart because your head will tell you that moving overseas is too scary and scooby doo can’t go with you and that would make you miserable. If you want to leave your job that makes you a lot of money and helps you have peace of mind, you can’t because there are no other jobs in your field right now, or you can’t afford a lower pay cheque with the debts you have incurred. Staying means that every time you look around your community, it is with a heavy heart and a sadness you can’t put your finger on. You are sure this is not what you want.
A baby. Of course I want one, but I am 38 and mon prince charment has not ridden by yet. Many women are choosing to have a baby on their own; I want the baby, but I also want the love that creates one. Sheesh! See what I mean about a tricky question?
I envy those that are able to enjoy whatever they have. You know, love the one your with? I truly want to be on that side of the playground. Alas, I am eternally on alternative sides because I keep thinking I want what is over there. “Skipping, how I love skipping!”, “Wait, bubbles… they are so fun!” And so back and forth I go. I keep trying to want what is available and in my direct line of vision.
I am in a position right now to make a change. A big one. I have the opportunity to ask myself, “What’s next? What do I want for my life?” I keep wondering, what am I allowed to want? Do I really want the things I think I want? I once read an interesting excercise in a book by someone whose name escapes me right now. The author suggested to think about what you would do with your life/career/relationship if time, money and support were non issues. In other words, if you had all of the money and support you needed, what would make your heart sing?
In the coming weeks, on the cusp of a much needed holiday I will attempt to tune out the cacophony around me in order to hear my own heart’s solo.
Please share with me: What do you want for your life? Do you have it?