Fine. Goodbye. Good riddance! Ok, so it wasn’t actually that easy. I did feel lighter for a moment, but of course later, after adhering to some sage advice, I felt the full weight of what was lost. Not only a friendship, but the loss of a way of moving through life, that I had believed served me well.
New knowledge demands new behavior and not everyone is onboard with the change. Sometimes myself included. Crutches be gone! I have accepted the fact that I belong here and now need to unpack my burgeoning suitcase of fears and insecurities. I still get the urge to slam the door and run. However, once you get a glimpse of reality, there is no turning away. You have to move forward. So, not only am I learning a new way of doing things, I am dealing with the reaction of others as I clear this new path.
When I returned from a leave of two months, I felt as though I were a lamp that had finally been plugged in. “Wow!” I thought. Had I really not been able to see things that were right in front of me before? Did I really not know any better? I thought I knew it all. Yes, I admit it. For years I held fast to beliefs that simply were not true. I allowed those beliefs to lead the way and I readily followed, no questions asked. Now I know differently. With this improved vision, I began to see what I was not able to before.
This past week, upsetting events lead to me stumbling over the cord and again being in the dark. One moment I was fine, and the next I had fallen. Just like that. A flood I was not prepared for overwhelmed me. I was angry at myself for being weak and for slipping backwards so easily. I questioned recent decisions and concluded that I hadn’t learned anything. The familiar patterns returned as I floundered once again in a whirlpool of guilt, defeat, and loss.
I was wrong. Surprisingly, some part of me remembered the way back, back to the source of light. I sat right in the middle of those adhesive patterns and examined them one by one. Have I made mistakes? Sure. Poor judgements? Yup. Hurt people close to me? Definitely. Do I trust myself to face all this and figure it out? A resounding yes.
So maybe a weight has been lifted, but I do feel a loss. Contrary to what I thought after dealing with the biggest mess of my life, I won’t always get it right. That’s ok. I have my map in my pocket, some tools in my bag, and the confidence to know I will find my way.